


it is a fearful thing to fall in the hands of a living god

by cryystal_m00n



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aftercare, Alternate Universe - Sugar Daddy, Angst, Edgeplay, Face-Fucking, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Overstimulation, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Shameless Smut, Vibrators, brothers jisung and taeil, doyoung just wants to help, taeil tries his hardest to be a good brother, until it doesnt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-07-31 21:27:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20121928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryystal_m00n/pseuds/cryystal_m00n
Summary: taeil’s life has never been a fairytale; no prince charming waiting for him on a white horse, no palace or pretty clothes, no loving parents, willing to buy him everything he touches. his life was always boring, uninteresting, just him and his younger brother trying to survive in this cruel world.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ive been working on this for a while now, so i really hope people will enjoy it. if not hyuck wrote this  
the title is the opening line from dh lawrence's poem "the hands of god". it's great, go read it if youre into poetry  
tw// just like it states in the tags, there is a scene where taeil and jisung's adoptive dad hits jisung, right in the first part of this chapter. please be careful if you're triggered by this. it starts at "it happened on taeil's 18th bday" and lasts for two paragraphs, it's not that explicit, but please, please skip that part if you're sensitive.  
now, enjoy dudes, dudettes and non-binary friends!!!!

taeil’s life has never been a fairytale; no prince charming waiting for him on a white horse, no palace or pretty clothes, no loving parents, willing to buy him everything he touches. his life was always boring, uninteresting, just him and his younger brother trying to survive in this cruel world. 

he wasn’t always alone with jisung. they had a family, of sorts… the parks fed them well and let them play on the old xbox if they were good, but deep down taeil knew they only wanted his brother. he was just the bonus they didn’t ask for, but they couldn’t throw him away either. so he stayed with them, taking care of jisung when mr. park got home too late, too drunk to function, or hide him when mrs. park was yelling too loudly at her no longer loving husband. 

it wasn’t perfect, by no means, but they had a place to sleep  _ and, _ if taeil managed to help around the public library and save some money, jisung even had new toys, not just the broken cars the parks gifted him years ago or the dusty teddy bear taeil gave him from when their parents were alive. 

amidst that sad part of taeil’s life, he met someone. or, more like someone met  _ him...  _ by bumping into taeil. the kid, because taeil couldn’t call him something else, was almost as cute as his jisungie. a baby bunny face, which, at that moment, wore the most scared expression. after all, taeil was his senior. 

the bunny boy, between stuttered apologies and muttered pleads of not hurting him, introduced himself as kim doyoung, and it was safe to say, that from that moment, taeil felt the need to protect him, which is exactly why he, more or less, took doyoung under his wing. 

he spent his free time taking care of his brother and of his junior, making sure that both of them grew to be their best selves. taeil watched them both mature over the course of the years, and he would be lying if he didn’t say that when he looked at them his heart didn’t grow full of pride. 

but, of course, even the handmade fairytales have to come to an end, be it a happy or a sad one. and it seemed that taeil’s was bound to come down crashing, his little safe palace burning down to a crisp, only the fading memories remaining. 

it happened on his eighteenth birthday, as jisung, then eight at the time, was singing him happy birthday. mr. park came home, earlier than usual but worse than what taeil was used to. he was reeking of alcohol, stumbling at every step. it happened too fast for taeil to react, his body only able to move as jisung’s fell down, little whimpers and sobs falling from between his lips. 

just as fast, though, after he regained control of his limbs, taeil fought back. he grabbed his phone and hit mr. park’s temple as hard as he could, just how minseok-hyung taught him. he watched as the man’s vision went blurry, before he fell down, motionless and limp. 

taeil, trying to calm himself down again, rushed to his brother’s side, checking to see if jisung was unconscious too. he wasn’t, thankfully, and it’s only then that taeil let out the breath he didn’t know he had been holding. 

he helped the younger boy up, cringing internally when he heard jisung groan in pain. 

“i know, i know, i’m sorry, baby. can you stand on your own?” taeil said as he guided jisung towards the entrance of the house. “i have to get our stuff, i’m taking you out of here.”

jisung frowned, “but… we don’t have money? and-and you have to go to school… taeillie-hyung, you can’t take care of me…”

taeil just shushed him one more time, making sure that jisung was leaning on the wall before he could leave him on his own. he kissed his forehead quickly. “i’ll go get our stuff. i’ll be quick, ok?”

as soon as jisung nodded, he ran upstairs, packing anything he knew it was theirs into their bags, throwing clothes and notebooks and plushies into them. he was back downstairs, next to his brother in record time. 

“let’s go, ji.”

grabbing jisung’s hand, they exited the house they’d called their home together. they left behind sweet memories turned sour, not even a glance thrown over their shoulders. 

* * *

taeil had to drop out from school two weeks later, in order to manage to provide for his brother. he didn’t regret it, not when the bruises on jisung’s body healed and no new ones appeared, or when he didn’t have to hide him. jisung was happier, and so was he. 

he won the rights to be his guardian a month after he dropped out. he was over the moon the moment the jury deemed him good enough to take care of his brother. 

the only thought that ran through his mind as he was looking for a new, permanent job was doyoung. for brief moments, the sadness overthrew the serenity he had been feeling lately. but even so, as he thought of his junior and how he won’t be able to see him anymore, he couldn’t help but wish that doyoung would not hate him for disappearing. 

he prioritized jisung, slowly forgetting about his own joys and sorrows. 

* * *

he reads the text he just got from his boss over and over again. if jessica didn’t make a typo, he is supposed to be a waiter for kim corp. the same kim corp that his junior, doyoung, is now the ceo of. at least, that’s what jisung told him a few months ago. he also tried to convince taeil to contact him again and ask him to help them with a few million won. just the usual charity that every millionaire does when he’s bored. of course, taeil dismissed his idea and just asked him how his senior year is going. 

he’s scared of meeting doyoung again. why, he’s not sure. maybe it’s the thought of finally having to confront the younger, of having to see the disappointment that he had missed eight years ago. he’s so scared that he almost messages jessica to ask for a day off. 

the man changes his mind right before sending it. they need the money to pay the rent. despite taeil’s attempts to save money for it by working three jobs, they’re always at least a month behind. some months, jisung needs new clothes, since he seems to be growing at least a centimeter every week, or they have to pay more for water or heat or any other utility they need in order to survive. 

it’s shitty, tremendously so, but he doesn’t have a choice. besides, he likes working, as long as he knows that all of his earnings will be able to help his brother. 

so, he shoots jessica a short text, to let her know he will be coming. now, he just needs to avoid doyoung for the whole night. he really hopes that in the eight years since they last saw each other, the younger forgot about him. he also hopes that his simple uniform will be enough for him to go unnoticed.   
  


* * *

the party, if he can even call it that, is boring; excruciatingly so. he didn’t expect anything else from a gathering of rich people, though. taeil is just happy he hasn’t spotted doyoung yet and that he hasn’t spilled champagne on any of the guests’ expensive clothes. but who knows, the night is still young, as jisung likes to say when taeil catches him watching anime in the middle of the night. 

the location, however, is not even in the slightest boring. taeil finds it beautiful, how the garden in which the party is held is almost magical, with bushes arranged so that they are in the shape of a maze. the flowers which peek through the green leaves remind him of stars scattered across the night sky. in the center of the garden, is what has to be the most realistic sculpture taeil has ever seen. the naked man is prompted on a pedestal, right in the middle of a fountain. his hand is nestled in another man’s hair. the man, smaller than the one standing, is kneeling at his feet, face angled upwards to look at his presumed lover. taeil can’t see the smaller one’s face, but he is sure that it holds just as much adoration as the face the standing man has for him. 

watching from the side, he can’t help but feel a bit jealous of these people. most of them haven’t had to actually work in their whole life. he sees them pretending to be nice, before turning around and rolling their eyes at their  _ true  _ friends, to make them snicker behind hands clad in expensive jewelry. 

he’s quick to shake the thoughts off. he has to concentrate and not end up glaring at any of the rich people that could bury him alive in debts.

jackson tries to grab his attention from across the room. he fails miserably with how he’s waving his arm around in, what would look like for anyone else, an attempt to shake something off his white shirt. 

taeil ignores him. at least, the first two times jackson does it. the moment he sees him lift his hand up in the air for the third time, taeil sighs and pointedly stares at him, hoping that he can sense just how annoyed the elder truly is. 

it’s the fact that jackson keeps pointing to his right that makes him look in that direction. of course, he does it in a less suspicious way than his co-worker. 

his heart stops when he finds  _ doyoung  _ staring back at him, the slightest frown forming on his face. it’s almost as if he is still trying to make sure that the waiter who is now looking at him, is, in fact moon taeil. and well, taeil  _ is  _ taeil, last time he checked. but god, he really wishes he was somebody else right now. 

he turns around as fast as he can, gripping the tray of champagne glasses so hard his knuckles turn white. he all but runs through the crowd, hoping to get lost between the extravagance of others. 

it works, at least for a short while. he manages to serve the guests  _ and  _ not run into doyoung, so really, he counts it as a win. 

taeil doesn’t even realize when the seven hours he has to spend being a slave end. not with doyoung being the only thing in his mind for the last five hours of his job. slowly, but surely, the people start to bid their goodbyes, not before adding the fake wishes of meeting again. 

it’s only now, when everyone is leaving, that taeil notices just how many women there are. most of them confident, dressed in suits, or fancy dresses which they wear with pride. none of them seem the least bit tired, flashing smiles at the men drunk on overpriced champagne. 

and in the middle of them all, shaking hands with the guests and, from what taeil assumes, thanking them for coming, is doyoung. doyoung, who just like the women, looks even more ethereal than when the party had started. taeil, as grim at it may sound, thinks that they might have absorbed the power of men. he wouldn’t put it past the doyoung he knew all those years ago.

taeil averts his eyes, looking back down at the dirty plates and glasses he has to collect from all over the garden. he wants to be quick so that he can finally head home and maybe drop dead on the couch for a few hours. he tries to push the thoughts of the morning shift that awaits for him away. 

arms full of platters, he heads towards the exit of the garden, where only the staff and low-rank people, as jackson likes to call themselves, have access. taeil is so tired that he doesn’t even realizes someone bumped into him, making him drop a few of the very expensive glasses. glasses which, if broken, would cost him at least an arm and a leg. 

the other person, thankfully catches them. he doesn’t know what type of spidey senses they posses, but he is ready to kiss their shoes if it means that he doesn’t have to pay for the damages. 

“be careful.”

_ oh, no _ . he would recognize this voice in a million. the same voice that used to ask him questions about music quietly to not disturb a sleeping jisung who was resting on his shoulder. the same voice that he used to think of when someone mentioned family. the same voice, but… deeper, more confident that years ago. 

the same voice which belongs to kim doyoung. granted, he doesn’t look like the bunny boy that used to follow taeil around, but he’s still the same. even if his hair, the same black shade that seems to be as dark as a raven’s feathers, is pushed back, exposing a straight, perfect forehead; the acne that used to bother him in high school is long gone. even if his jaw, just like his voice, got manlier, sharper. his eyes hold the same mysteries they did years back. his faint smile is just as kind as before. 

he’s still his doyoung, just dressed in a black suit that accentuates his body better than his old baggy shirts did. still the same doyoung that he used to love. still the same junior that has a special place in his heart, right next to his brother.

he’s frozen in place, unable to move even a muscle. he  _ wants  _ to run, boy, how he wants that, but his brain is telling him to stay put. it’s moments like this when the bdsm test he took in the middle of a night some time ago comes through wit the masochist percentage. 

“let me help you, hyung,” doyoung says. he doesn’t realize the impact those simple words have on taeil. 

the younger man takes some of the glasses from him, smiling at taeil as he does so. taeil may as well cry, with the amount of intense feelings that have seemed to resurfaced. 

“i can do it myself, sir,” he says, trying to reach for the glasses and take them back. doyoung speeds up towards the staff exit, promptly ignoring taeil. 

taeil can only follow him and hope that by the time they have to stop again to deposit the dishes, the color in his cheeks has reduced. that doesn’t happen, not even by a long shot. he’s not sure why he’s still blushing, it’s not like doyoung has even said anything to him. bitterly, he curses god for making twenty-seven years old doyoung look devilishly handsome in a suit. 

“how have you been?” doyoung asks, glancing over his shoulder at the elder. “is life treating you good, hyung?”

taeil wants to laugh. not at the fact that doyoung is asking about what he’s been up to since he left, no, he’s quite happy to see that his precious junior is mannered enough to make small talk. what he wants to laugh at is just how  _ painfully  _ awkward this all feels. they used to be close, close enough to tell each other their darkest secrets and fears, yet now taeil can’t even hear doyoung ask about his well-being without cringing.

life is funny, like that. 

“you know, normal. the usual, i’d say. i take care of sungie, i work, try to make ends meet. nothing extraordinary… you, doie-- doyoung?”

internally hitting himself with a wooden stick, taeil hopes that the younger didn’t catch his slip. 

“i’ve been good. trying to--”

before he can stop himself, taeil says, “take over the world?” he stops walking, mortified. he can’t make jokes like this with doyoung anymore. he has no right to--

doyoung starts laughing, full on wheezing and tears falling down his face. taeil still thinks he looks like a bunny while doing it. it’s such an adorable sight that he almost reaches over and pinches his cheeks.  _ almost,  _ because he’s still holding a single champagne glass, which, surprisingly didn’t join its siblings in its eternal sleep in the scary box and because he still has a bit of self control left. like, the smallest amount possible. 

“let’s say that works too. how’s jisungie? he must be 18 now, right?”

taeil nods, finally putting the glass to rest. he pats it twice before turning to face the younger again. he really looks way too good in that suit.  _ focus, taeil, this isn’t the time to thirst over the one paying you _ , he reminds himself, still checking the way the shirt practically  _ molds  _ across doyoung’s chest. 

“he has senioritis? he keeps saying that he is ill everytime i ask him to help me clean the house, but when i ask him what he’s suffering from he pulls that out of his ass-- i mean!”

“still no brain to mouth filter when you’re tired, huh?” doyoung laughs again, brushing a few strands of hair back when they fall into his eyes. 

“i really need to get home, but i still have to help around. you should go, though, doyoung. you must be tired from hosting this party,” taeil says. when he looks around to see where jackson or taemin or  _ anyone  _ is, but, to his surprise, no one is there.

surely, they couldn’t have left without him! he still has these godforsaken dishes with him! they need those, right? sure, maybe the men present to the party looked a bit strange, probably carrying unknown diseases, but that doesn’t mean they would just throw them away! 

_ what the fuck _ . 

“language, now, hyung,” doyoung says, an amused glint in his eyes. did he just say that out loud? “yep.” 

“come on,” the younger tugs on his sleeve, “i’ll give you a ride home.” he’s looking at him with the exact same look he used to give taeil right before convincing him to take part in his dumb ideas; ideas which usually ended up with taeil’s legs being scratched from jumping over fences. 

the elder knows he’s not expecting a no. and he knows he’s not gonna refuse. 

“ok,” he smiles tiredly at doyoung. “i accept your humble offer of ubering me home.”

doyoung gasps, scandalized, “i am a literal ceo? i was your boss-twice-removed right before five minutes ago?”

“and i’m still your senior, doyoung. now, will you take me home in your stupidly expensive tesla or do i have to walk?”

the younger just pulls his keys out of his blazer’s pocket with a sigh. 

* * *

it’s a week later, with jisung eating his breakfast one morning and taeil trying to get his clothes the right way, when his brother asks him: “hyung, is it true you saw doyoung-hyung again?”

that makes taeil stop the fight he’s been having with his shoes, in favor of looking up at the younger. he hasn’t told jisung yet, not when he is sure he will not see doyoung again, so to have his baby brother ask him that takes him by surprise.

“where did you hear that, sungie?”

“lele told me he saw you at one of his parties… so? did you see hyung?”

his foot finally slips inside the shoe, the sudden movement making him almost fall to the side. “i did.” before jisung can tell him what taeil knows he wants to say, he continues, “no, i didn’t ask him for money.”

jisung visibly deflates, “but hyung! if he helped us you could quit one of your jobs! you’re overworking yourself again.”

the spark of sadness taeil feels in his heart doesn’t go unnoticed. but he still pushes it away, walking over to where jisung is seated at table, to press a kiss onto his head. he takes his long-forgotten and already cold cup of coffee, his finger booping jisung’s pout. 

“you don’t have to worry for me, ok? we need the money and i don’t mind working. now,” he downs the rest of the watered down coffee, “you finish this so that johnny can take you to school.”

just as he says that, the front door opens, one tall johnny seo walking inside like he owns the place. which, he kind of does, but taeil doesn’t want to accept it. glaring at his best friend, he puts the mug in the sink, going to grab his bag. 

“come on, sungie! or you’ll have to walk to school again!” 

“don’t rush the kid, taeil,” johnny says, stealing a slice of toast from jisung’s plate. 

taeil slaps the toast out of his hand. “that’s taeil- _ hyung _ to you, youngho.”

“ _ taeillie _ .” another smack, this time behind johnny’s head. 

jisung comes back, school bag draped over his shoulder, “well, i’m ready! why are you two old men lazing around? i have to get to school you know? i need an education!” he calls out as he finally rushes out of the apartment, leaving behind only the two older men, one glaring, taeil, and the other smiling like an idiot, johnny. 

“he takes after your boyfriend,” taeil spits out, but there’s no true meaning behind his words. 

the idiotic smile johnny’s wearing only widens at the mention of ten, “yeah, he does.” he claps his hand on taeil’s back, pulling him out of the house, despite the elder’s arguments of wanting to put the toast away before it attracts ants. “now let’s get you to work before yifan-hyung yells at you again.”

“he won’t yell at me if junmyeon-hyung’s around,” taeil pouts at nothing as he locks the door, before rushing to johnny’s car, where jisung was already waiting for them.

“i’ve been waiting for  _ years _ . you two hags can’t even walk at a normal pace.”

johnny puts the young boy in a chokehold, giving him a few decent noogies, all whilst taeil pretends not to see the clear abuse (as jisung calls it) happening to his younger brother.

he steals the keys from johnny’s pocket, unlocks the car and slips inside the passenger seat. the two idiots (he uses the term fondly, even when they do annoy the shit out of him) still fight outside the car, but it only takes a loud and prolonged honk to get them to jump apart and hurry inside. 

the car ride until jisung’s high school is quiet, the boy only speaking once to let taeil know he may be coming home late, since chenle has asked him to come over after their classes. after that, he jumps out of the car the moment johnny is almost done parking in front of the school, sending the two a salute and running to the building as fast as he can. 

when they’re moving again, johnny asks, “you know you can ask me and tennie for money if you need some, right?” taeil knows he held back because of jisung, but he also know that his best friend waited so long so that taeil couldn’t try and jump out of the car, if it was moving at a slower speed. 

“you know, sometimes i really feel like jisung is actually your kid.”

“cause he’s as tall and handsome as me?”

“cause both of you worry over nothing.”

johnny frowns at the road, taking his eyes off of it to frown at taeil too. “that isn’t nothing. you’re gonna put yourself in the ground before it’s your time, hyung. i can see the dark circles, ok? how many hours did you sleep this past week?”

“like… seven…” taeil mumbles, while fumbling with one of the zippers on his bag. “it doesn’t matter, johnny. like i said to sungie too, i’m  _ fine. _ ”

“are you  _ really _ , hyung? because i think you’re close to shutting down.”

“i am. please trust me on this one.”

johnny sighs, stopping the car in front of  _ sunflower galaxy _ , the flower shop where taeil works on the weekdays. “the moment you fall asleep at work again i’m making you send one of them the resignation letter and i’m helping you with money.”

taeil wants to argue, but the harsh look the younger is giving him makes him swallow any protest left. he can only agree, even if it hurts his pride.

“okay.”

johnny’s face smooths out, giving him his usual kind smile. “good. now go make pretty bouquets, taeillie.”

taeil gives him the middle finger as he gets out of the car. he sends him one more, this time the ugly android emoji version of it, when he gets in the shop. taeil gets what he thinks is the emoji surrounded by hearts and the one of two guys holding hands. 

* * *

he’s in the back, watering some of the flowers yifan insists on growing in the staff room, when the bell above the door jingles. normally, his boss should be the one catering to the customer’s wishes, but it seems like once again, taeil was left alone. he’s not even surprised anymore. 

wiping his hands clean on the flowery apron he’s wearing, he heads back in the front, only to be left stunned once he notices  _ who  _ the customer is. there goes his wishful thinking of never having to meet doyoung in a situation where he has to speak to him. 

“hello, i would like some-- hyung! what… are you doing here?” he asks, eyeing taeil suspiciously, as if not believing it’s truly moon taeil breathing in front of him. 

he blinks once, twice, and points at his apron as if that is the only answer doyoung needs. frankly, with how smart the younger is, it should be enough. 

“but… don’t you work as a waiter?”

with a laugh, he picks up one of the arrangements yifan left on the counter before ditching work in favor of going across the street in the tattoo parlor and annoy junmyeon. “i do. and as a flower “artist” and in a bookshop too.”

“wait,” doyoung frowns, “you have  _ three  _ jobs?”

taeil hates the way the younger is saying it, as if he’s insane to have more than one job. he  _ knows  _ that’s not what doyoung is implying, but he can’t stop the way his brain registers it. “yes. now, what can i do to you?”

“a bouquet. something that says  _ i’m sorry, i promise i won’t do it again _ ?”

a smile quirks on taeil’s lips. “troubles with your significant other?” he walks past the younger man, heading straight for the yellow roses. 

“not really. i may have set my best friend up for a blind date and… it didn’t work as planned,” he says sheepishly. taeil doesn’t have to turn and look at him to know that doyoung is rubbing the side of his neck, the same nervous habit he’s had since he was the elder’s junior. he also doesn’t have to look to know that he’s pouting, something doyoung only does when he thinks no one is looking.

“sweaty, bald, old man?”

“his ex.”

he adds a few white tulips and lilies to make sure that doyoung’s friend knows just how  _ sorry  _ and  _ distraught  _ he feels because of the wrong-doings he’s done to them. with the flowers in one hand, he goes back behind the counter to pick the right paper. 

“how did you  _ not  _ know that’s their ex?”

“in my defense, i have no clue about what or who jaehyun did in high school! and besides, he still didn’t leave the date earlier! so if you ask me, i think he’s still into him.”

finally deciding to go with a simple, parchment like paper, he lays down everything he needs. the bouquet is done in no time, with just how many he’s been doing for the past two years, but despite that, he still feels nervous about showing the end result to doyoung. 

“hell yeah! he will love it!” 

a blush spreads across taeil’s cheeks. “you think so?”

“oh, i  _ know  _ so.” he takes out a banknote, one that is double, if not triple the amount the simple bouquet costs and holds it out for the elder to take. “thank you, i think this should cover it nicely.”

“i’ll get your change in a second,” taeil says, opening the cash register and pulling out all he needs to give doyoung back. 

the younger takes it back, only to drop the money in the tip jar yifan insists on keeping on the counter. 

“have a great day, taeil! i’ll see you soon!” doyoung smiles at him and maybe it’s just the fact that taeil had barely slept two hours last night, or maybe it’s the fact that the pollen he’s inhaling is messing with his head, but he swears that his heart picks up its pace at the younger’s words. 

“y-you too.”

with one more smile, a more amused one, this time, doyoung leaves the shop. and that is when it hits taeil: he just stuttered in front of doyoung. he misses the over-caffeined and confident taeil that talked with the young ceo a few weeks ago. he wishes he was at that level of a confident gay again.   
  


* * *

to probably no one’s surprise, not even taeil’s guardian angel’s, they meet again. and again and again and it’s almost as if now, it’s intentional when he locks eyes with doyoung in the flower shop, or when he goes to bring some new books out and he finds the younger reading what looks to be the newest gay twilight book they have gotten this month. 

he knows that his old junior isn’t actually stalking him, so he pays everything no mind. 

what does make him worry, though (well, not actually worry, since he is 78% sure that doyoung doesn’t plan to kill him) is when jackson stops him from taking the order to one of the tables in the normal (poor-people) part of the restaurant, to tell him that someone asked for him. 

“is sungie here? wait, no, it’s past his bedtime…” 

jackson snorts. “it’s eight, and he’s eighteen.” 

taeil just shakes him off as he places the plates in front of the customers. he keeps his customer-friendly smile on until he can turn around and finally glare at jackson. 

“who is it?” he asks, walking past him to let heechul know his food was once again accepted as eatable. 

“uh… you remember that guy for whom we catered like… a month ago?” 

that makes taeil stop, hand on the door knob. “what?” 

“yeah, i think his name’s like dongyoung or something? filthy rich, really fucking hot,” jackson says as he pretends to fan himself. 

“you have a boyfriend.”

“doesn’t mean i can’t appreciate a beautiful man. ‘sides, markiepoo would agree if he was here.” 

“markiepoo would agree to what?” someone — markiepoo — says behind the two waiters. 

jackson yelps in surprise, turning around at the speed of light and jumping into mark’s arms. “that he’s the best, hottest, smartest and kindest boyfriend who would  _ never  _ think jackson is a whore because he finds someone hot?” 

the brunet sighs, yells at heechul a few words of encouragement to keep on making his food taste  _ not _ radioactive, and leaves the poor people space. 

the “rich people” space is considerably different from the other. it’s nowhere near as cozy and nostalgia inducing. the old paintings made by the students from the university near it are replaced with well known artists’ pieces, the comfortable and incredibly dusty couches are also replaced with chairs meant to make the people sitting in them feel like kings. 

taeil doesn’t like working the shifts here. most of the people coming in either have a stick up their ass or a hundred, no in between. he knows that the owners, an eccentric polyamorous couple, had simply wanted to feel everyone feel included, from the nice old ladies who come in to talk about their grandkids, to the arrogant lawyers who come in to impress their clients and possible love affairs. 

whilst hwitaek takes care of the fancier side of the restaurant, hyojong is the one in charge of the homey one. he always manages to make someone feel at home, even if, at first, according to hyuna, the kids were scared of him. hwitaek, on the other hand, is always ready to make sure that his  _ respectable  _ clients are causing a scene. still according to hyuna, he once almost stabbed a man who wouldn’t understand that his client wasn’t willing to sleep with him. 

the third part of the mismatched couple is hyuna. she chose, years ago, to work at the bar, so that she can put an end to her husbands’ petty fights of who owns the best business. 

(all three of them own it, obviously, but the woman once told taeil when she had one too many drinks, that this is part of their foreplay. taeil was too traumatized to even ask her  _ why  _ she told him this.)

back to the present, he locates doyoung quite fast, the younger seated at a table that has direct view of the door that connects the two sides. 

he’s not alone, though. next to him, there is a man, that could really be a mistaken for an idol, glaring knives into another man’s, who is still as handsome, though he has more of a royal air around him. the royal man is doing the same, maybe a bit more subtle. 

the moment doyoung sees taeil, his face lights up, relief flooding his features. he practically  _ begs  _ taeil to hurry, just to save him from the personal hell he’s in right now. 

the brunet stops right next to their table, not smiling back at the younger. instead, with a serious expression, he says, “are you stalking me, doyoung?” 

doyoung gasps, and all but yells  _ ‘no!’ _ while, one of the man, the royal looking one, says  _ ‘yes.’  _ without even looking from where he was holding the other’s intense gaze. 

“fuck off, jaehyun, it’s not my fault taeyong wanted to eat here!” 

“then why did you ask the other waiter to send  _ taeillie _ ?” he says, trying to imitate doyoung’s voice. 

“because!” 

taeil cracks a smile at last, enjoying the flustered blush adorning the younger’a cheeks. he tries to hide behind the menu, but that only makes taeil’s need to pinch his cheeks grow. 

“what can i get you?” 

jaehyun finally looks up, giving taeil a dimpled smile. “i’ll have some carbonara, please.”

the glaring man, who taeil is sure that his name is taeyong, from what doyoung said earlier, snorts. “such a basic choice.” 

the brunet mouths  _ ‘the ex’  _ to doyoung, to which the younger nods, giving him the same look of pleading to be rescued. taeil rolls his eyes, and focuses on taeyong. 

“i’ll have the quattro formaggi ravioli and two slices of cake, please.” 

even as jaehyun snorts, clearly trying to get taeyong riled up, he still looks at the man with unmistakable fondness in his eyes. taeil gets what doyoung meant when he mentioned jaehyun still being into his ex. 

“alright! i’ll be back shortly with your food. just tell me if you want me to refill your glasses, sirs.” he turns to leave, but doyoung stops him with a loud cough. 

“you forgot about me, taeil?”

“you can come order your own, since i know you dislike a lot of vegetables.” he starts walking again, but when doyoung doesn’t follow him he turns back around and gestures for him to stand. “well come on, doie!”

doyoung shoots up from his chair, giving both of the men apologetic looks, and rushes to follow taeil. when they’re far enough not to be heard he lets out a sigh of relief. “thanks, hyung. i could feel them wanting to either strangle each other over the table or make out. i don’t know which one is worse,” he sighs once more. 

“if you keep on sighing like that you’ll get even worse wrinkles,” taeil comments off-hand, walking back into the other part of the restaurant to give heechul the new order. 

the younger man gasps, but after a second it turns into a chuckle. “jisungie  _ did  _ use to say that a lot, huh?” he wonders out loud, voice full of nostalgia. taeil knows how it feels, to be suddenly hit with memories your brain purely decided to store away without your knowledge. he knows that the wave of sadness that follows is unmatched to everything one ever feels. 

“he still does it.”

“really? do you still sigh a lot?”

“hm… i guess not as much as before.”

“that’s good,” doyoung says, stopping abruptly and looking around. “is this the same place? did we get in some alternate universe wormhole?”

“are you still reading those books on conspiracy theories?” taeil asks with an amused voice. 

“alternate universes are not a conspiracy hyung! they are--”

“real because time and space are infinite and we have no idea what is truly happening in the world we think surrounds us,” he says off the top of his head, giving the piece of paper with the order to hyuna. the woman rolls her eyes, but she still walks into the kitchen.

behind him, doyoung stays quiet for a moment. when he speaks, taeil can easily pick up the surprise, “you remembered…”

“you say that as if i’d ever forget about anything you’ve ever told me,” taeil laughs, dry and bitter. he can’t help it, not when he’s having this talk with doyoung in the restaurant where he’s working, while the younger is only looking for a safe escape from the sexual tension between his friend and his ex. he at least hoped this would’ve happened somewhere with no one to eavesdrop. 

doyoung orders a simple milkshake, before he leans on the bar and  _ looks  _ at taeil. after a beat, he says. “did you really not forget anything about me?”

“never.”

“then why did you leave? why did you leave me--” he cuts himself before he can finish, but the words still cut taeil deep, leaving bleeding wounds behind. wounds he can’t heal yet, not when he still has to pretend that he’s happy and merry for the sake of hyuna’s business. 

“cause…”

hyuna pushes doyoung’s milkshake towards him, thanking him in her tiny voice. that saves taeil from embarrassment, but only for a second. 

“people… they kept talking about you and sungie, assuming the worst... “ he takes a sip of the milkshake, before sighing. “it’s ok. you don’t have to answer me. right now… right now we’re not at the same level of trust we used to be.”

taeil nods, pursuing doyoung to continue. 

“i… have a proposal… for you,” he pushes the straw around, making the whipped cream deflate and turn into a chocolate colored mush. “you can say no, if you want. or you can tell me to fuck off, whichever one works for you--”

“just say it, youngie!”

“be my sugar baby!”

taeil almost,  _ almost  _ launches forward to strangle the younger. he doesn’t, however. somehow, someway, he just blinks at doyoung, not believing his ears. the more he processes the words, the more they seem like some fake, clout chasing story he could’ve read on twitter. 

he can’t even deny to the proposition before doyoung is cutting him off. “just think about it! you won’t even have to y’know, do the whole sugar baby thing. just let me spoil you and help you the same way you did years ago. i have more than enough money, but even if i didn’t, i would’ve found a way to help you, hyung.”

taeil has no idea what god possesses him, maybe it’s even ten or lucas’ spirit, but he finds himself telling doyoung he’ll think about it, before leaving back to the kitchen. 


	2. Chapter 2

“so, let me get this straight,” ten says, the next time they meet at the younger’s house for their weekly family sunday, “a rich daddy-o said he’d pay you, _ not _ to have sex with him or even send him nudes, and you said _ no_?”

taeil sighs and tosses the butter in his direction, ignoring the noises of protest ten makes. “i didn’t say no! i just said i’ll think about it!”

“which in taeil language, means _ no _,” johnny butts in, earning himself a fork thrown at his head from said language inventor.

“how about you make sure you don’t overcook those eggs, youngho.” 

“tennie would still eat them--”

“if they’re overcooked, i’ll throw them in kun’s garden,” ten interrupts, not looking up from where he was spreading the butter on the toast.

johnny gasps, but he still finds the strength to argue even as taeil hurls another fork at him, “well, jokes on you, midget, you’re marrying this egg-burner.” 

the youngest of the three turns into mush at that, his eyes going from the offended feeling they were holding for taeil, to the heart-eyes taeil sees in jisung’s animes. he aims them at johnny, since, honestly, taeil would’ve been worried if they were for anyone else besides the tall man or their dog. 

“if you two are done being gross, there is a bigger problem in the world.”

“after eighteen months the earth will be beyond saving,” johnny says.

“human trafficking is a more and more serious problem but it gets swiped under the rug by authorities,” ten says.

“yes, both are actually worrying problems that deserve the attention of normal people but that of those in power too,” taeil agrees. “but there’s also one more problem, less serious but just as important to me, at the very least. what do i _ do _?”

“you can accept the offer and secure that bag?” the youngest says. he steals one of taeil’s pieces of toast, but the brunet is too caught up in his own messy thoughts to care.

“or you can always say no,” johnny reminds him, putting the eggs and bacon on their plates. the eggs are way beyond overcooked, but both of them will eat them, and had jisung been here too, today, he would’ve too.

taeil weighs his options for a moment. on the one hand, he could accept the offer, like ten said, and ensure the fact that he will be pay for their expenses easier, maybe even buy jisung a more modern phone or laptop; but on the other, won’t taking up the offer make him seem... like someone who is only reconciling with doyoung for the money he has now?

he knows that’s not the reason, but people talk. and when they do, they don’t stop to think of the impact their words may have on others. he doesn’t want to have those around him bad mouth him again. it’s enough to see his brother come home with a sour expression, having overheard others about how he’s only friends with chenle for the latter’s wealth, to know that the moment they would find out about taeil and doyoung’s possible… sugar-relationship, jisung would be their target once again, without a doubt.

he doesn’t want his baby brother to suffer even more than he already had. that is not his goal, the life mission he took when he agreed to be jisung’s guardian. he only wants what’s best for him. 

but, it seems like the best option he has right now, in order to achieve this goal, _ is _doyoung. 

as his hand reaches for the business card stored away in his pocket, he thinks of the time he will be spending with jisung, once he says yes to doyoung. he will be able to quit one of his jobs, or at least choose to work less shifts there, since he is sure doyoung will get bored of being their financial support once. he can’t afford to lose a job that is ok with him not having his high-school diploma.

surprisingly, doyoung has the same number as when he was younger, so taeil doesn’t waste time by actually looking at the business card when he realizes this. he puts it down and a single contact under _ doie / (⁎˃ᆺ˂)＼ _ shows up. he presses on it, lifts the phone to his ear, and waits.

ten and johnny are watching him carefully, not knowing if they are allowed to speak or not.

someone on the other end picks up, the professional air radiating through the phone as doyoung greets him, “this is kim doyoung of kim co--”

“doie, i accept.”

he can hear the smile in his voice, when the younger says, “i promise i’ll take care of you, hyung.” 

and just like that, taeil finds himself smiling too, reassured by doyoung’s words.

* * *

he has no idea why he asked jisung to open the door. maybe because he was trying to chop the onions, while making sure that the beef didn’t overcook, while _ also _ stirring in the custard for the cream buns. he feels exactly like a soccer mom who is keen on impressing her son’s, kyle, friends, except that this is not his attempt of making a good impression on chenle or jeongin, this is a normal sunday evening.

“hyung? why is there a midget on our doorsteps?” jisung yells. that is quickly followed by an offended gasp and a loud slapping noise. 

“nevermind! it’s just doie-hyung! wait... doie-hyung?!”

taeil sighs, taking the custard off the heat and covering it with clingfilm. he pretends not to hear his brother questioning doyoung why he’s here, how he found them, and if he still eats his carrots while taking small bites of it.

he knew doyoung was coming, the younger told him so this morning, something about wanting to meet jisung again. what he didn’t expect when he gave doyoung the green card to come over was for him to come bearing gifts.

the moment he turns to greet him, albeit with a tired expression, is the moment where he drops the spoon he’s holding. not only does doyoung look incredibly adorable in his oversized hoodie, a black face mask resting under his chin, but he’s also holding bags, over bags of… stuff. taeil is too scared to ask what they hide.

“are you gonna move in with us, hyung? because like… no offence, but you’ll have to either sleep on the couch or in tae-hyung’s tiny ass room. i mean, you’re both small, so i guess it wouldn’t matter that much…” he trails off, and looks between the two older men. “oh no, i guess doie-hyung is a bit taller… sorry for calling you small, hyung!”

“so you’ll apologize to doyoung but not to your own brother?” taeil asks, lightly hitting jisung’s arm with the towel he’s holding. “brat!” he keeps on hitting him, never hard enough to cause his brother any pain.

doyoung laughs, placing the bags down. “you _ are _small, hyung.”

taeil looks him dead in the eyes, and with a cold, stoney voice says, “do you want to die, kim dongyoung?” 

doyoung takes his hand, the one holding the towel, and lifts it to his mouth, pressing a kiss on it. he bows and whispers, “it would be an honor to die by your hand, my prince.” 

ignoring the blush spreading across his cheeks, taeil hits him with his empty hand. “wash your hands and start chopping the onion. jisung, you go clean your room.”

“but tae!” 

“do you want to die too, brat?” 

jisung looks at his feet for a moment, and then, when he looks up at taeil, he’s wearing his sad, rained puppy-eyes. taeil is never able to say no to them, the soft spot he has for his brother getting three times bigger with each second that he spends looking at them.

“... fine.” jisung cheers, already turning to leave the kitchen and head back to his phone to probably yell at chenle about how his elder brother threatened him again. “you can help me make the buns!” 

taeil ignores him when he whines, and simply pushes the bowl with the dough in his brother’s arms. “go on, roll the dough, sungie.”

they fall into comfortable silence, taeil overlooking their moves, making sure that jisung doesn’t use too much dough in one bun or that doyoung doesn’t turn the onions into soup. it’s a mirroring image of years ago, no difference in it except for the way jisung now towers over them both.

taeil smiles at the beef, not even realizing he overcooked it.

it’s nice to be back.

“hyung, i think the meat is burning…”

* * *

it’s later at night, after they’ve put away the groceries doyoung had so generously brought them, and after they’ve eaten the burned bulgogi-jungol, when doyoung tells him, “thank you for accepting.” 

taeil turns to look at him, forgetting about the dumb adam sandler comedy playing on the tv. “you thanked me already, doie.”

“yeah, but i know how much it means to get your stubborn ass to accept help.”

at that, taeil shuts his mouth. he pouts, looking back at the screen. he pays no mind to the way doyoung is still staring at him, at how he can feel the younger’s finger poke his cheek. maybe if he pretends that he’s immersed in the movie, doyoung will get the idea and stop his teasing. he doubts it, but it’s worth a try.

“your pout is just as cute as before, hyung,” he whispers, brushing the pad of his finger over taeil’s bottom lip. it’s silent for a moment, but then, after the surprise wears off, taeil opens his mouth, taking the younger’s digit in his mouth and biting down on it.

“call me cute again and i’ll punch that smug grin off of your handsome face, doyoungie.”

“aw, hyung thinks i’m handsome!”

hit after hit with the pillow that was resting next to him, and doyoung is still laughing, hand resting on taeil’s hip to steady the elder, since, in his quest of _ punching that smug grin off of doyoung’s face _, taeil may have gotten carried away and… climbed on top of him. not one of his smartest tactics.

doyoung’s hold tightens for a moment, and had taeil been young and dumb again, he would’ve leaned down to kiss the younger, kiss him until he’s breathless. but now, now taeil is older and wiser, so he simply glares at doyoung and calls him an idiot.

“you’re so _ cute _, hyung.”

taeil stuffs the end of the pillow in doyoung’s mouth and decides he will ignore him for the rest of the night. he also decides he will ignore the way doyoung’s touch burns his skin, the way it tingles when the younger removes his hand, one second too late to be considered normal.

* * *

he frowns at his phone when he sees the amount of money in his bank account. last time he checked, there were only around two hundred dollars left, money taeil has been saving to pay their bills. now, his bank account looks exactly the same as one of those fake photos ten’s shown him, from totally real and reliable sugar daddies on twitter.

it’s too much, but when he shoots doyoung a text asking for an explanation, doyoung simply answers:

_ doie / (⁎˃ᆺ˂)＼ _

**i might not be charming, but i have money, hyung**

and taeil is torn between slapping his friend (…sugar daddy?) silly or kissing him silly.

he chooses instead to send him an ugly knife android emoji and plans to invite him over again for dinner, as a thank you.

* * *

he tries not to touch the money doyoung gave him, unless it’s an extreme situation. he hates the pathetic feelings that bloom inside of him when he does it, the feeling of being pitied by those better, more successful than him.

when he does use them, other than those majorly harsh moments, it’s only for things he knows jisung needs. he never buys himself stuff, because at the end of the day, jisung is the most important person in taeil’s small universe, and his brother’s happiness brought him happiness.

it’s no secret that taeil leaves home early in the morning and comes back late at night. usually, by the time he arrives to the apartment jisung is fast asleep, cuddling his ragged teddy bear close to his chest. usually, their home is quiet, when the moon is shining, and today is no exception.

when he opens the door, there is nothing out of the ordinary in the air, everything is exactly how it’s supposed to be, a nice puzzle in which all the pieces fit perfectly, a boring, yet safe routine.

it’s only when he steps in their small living room and sees jisung holding a bag of frozen carrots on his eye that he realizes this night is not like any other.

he drops his bag on the ground in his hurry to his brother, not even caring that his phone may have cracked from the impact. he kneels in front of jisung, a worried look on his face. jisung looks right behind him, eyes never meeting his. it’s understandable, but it doesn’t answer any of the hundreds of questions running at full speed through taeil’s mind.

“can i, sungie?” he asks, scared of what may hide under the bag. jisung sighs and lets it fall from his face, revealing a bruised, nasty purple, eye. he doesn’t mean to gasp so loudly, but taeil can’t help it. someone hurt his brother. his blood is boiling, threatening to spill over. taeil couldn’t protect his brother once again. he’s failed him.

“you should see the other guys. they have it worse than me, hyung,” jisung laughs, but it’s not the carefree, merry sound that brings joy into taeil’s heart.

the elder’s hand reaches forward, touching the swollen eye with careful fingers, not wanting his brother to be in even greater pain. he whispers, “why?” as his other hand reaches back for the bag of frozen vegetables. he places it back on jisung’s face. this will have to do until he can he can find the paracetamol he’s thrown somewhere around the apartment.

“they were calling lele all sorts of names since he started painting his nails… lele pretends he doesn’t care, but i can see he’s affected by the words, hyung! i couldn’t let them bully my best friend!” jisung shrugs, but his voice threatens to spill the whole truth with each new word. it’s getting shakier and shakier, until taeil has to pull him in for a hug, to stop jisung from either hyperventilating or getting to angry.

“is that all, sungie?” 

after a beat, jisung mumbles, “they called taeil-hyung a whore w-who sleeps around for money… they can’t insult my family and _ not _pay for it, hyung.”

taeil can feel his shirt dampening with tears, but he doesn’t care. “it’s ok, baby. i’m not mad.”

“disappointed?” 

“not that either.” he presses a kiss to the crown of his head. “just worried. i don’t want you to get yourself injured by some brutes who can only think with their fists.” jisung nods against his chest, and they stay like this for a moment, jisung calming down, and taeil trying to settle the need to kill those bastards himself.

“i’m sorry.” 

“it’s ok, baby. let me look at your eye?”

jisung pushes himself off, tilting his head back to let his older brother inspect it better. there’s no blood in his eye, which, taeil is thankful for. he presses one more peck just above jisung’s eyebrow, happy that sicheng and ten have been teaching his brother how to fight properly.

“wanna sleep together tonight, sung?”

“do i look _ five _, hyung?” jisung snorts.

taeil still doesn’t bash an eyelash, and asks, “well?” 

in a small voice, jisung answers a simple, _ ‘yes, please’ _. and as he helps his brother up and to his own room, taeil is hit with the realization that his brother, his baby, his small sungie, is growing up.

he doesn’t cry because of it _ until _after he’s sure jisung is sleeping.

* * *

his favorite part of being a flower “artist” is actually working with them. not arranging the pretty plants in extravagant bouquets or arrangements, but helping them grow, taking care of them.

but even so, when he first heard from yifan that he wants to grow their own little garden in the back, he was reluctant. for one, the back was so _ dark _that the plants would have to live off of artificial light for their whole lives until they die. grim, but that’s what taeil thought. now, however, he’s ashamed to say that he’s been spending almost all of his time in there.

he’s so often found there, that yifan had to add another bell near the cash register to announce taeil of any new customers that may actually need to buy flowers.

he’s tending to brutus’, a bonsai tree that yifan’s husband gifted to him, pests, when someone started _ pounding _on taeil’s bell. it wasn’t zitao’s memorised song, nor ten’s annoying ten chimes. 

he takes his gloves off and blows brutus a single kiss before leaving back to the front, where his impatient customer is still tapping on the bell. when the person looks up, taeil quickly recognizes them as jaehyun, doyoung’s friend. he’s surprised to see that he’s alone, no pink haired man, his ex, and clearly no doyoung around either.

jaehyun looks at him for a moment. “you’re that waiter, right?”

“maybe… are you actually a mobster and you want to kill me because your pasta was undercooked?” 

“no?”

“then yes! i am that waiter! moon--”

“moon taeil.”

taeil blinks at him. he hasn’t introduced last time, which was rude of him, but with doyoung proposing the whole sugar daddy business to him and the whole surprise of seeing doyoung again, really, the last thing on his mind was his name and if the guests knew it.

“are you sure you’re not a gangster?” he asks, holding onto the scissors tightly.

jaehyun laughs, and wow, is he handsome when he does that. “do you consider being doyoung’s lawyer a gangster?”

when jaehyun laughs, he’s sure that his face is enough of an answer to the man. “guess now i’m a mob leader, huh. well, this dangerous man needs a bouquet”

“to apologize to your best friend because you set him up with his ex?” taeil bites his tongue. “i-i mean, of course!” 

“wow, you must really mean a lot to doyoung since he told you this… well, sadly that bunny doesn’t want to date anyone except for… the whole world, hah, nerd, am i right?” jaehyun is as red as taeil is, meaning that he’s probably caught himself slipping too. this can easily occupy the top three most awkward conversations he’s ever had. 

“bouquet!”

“right! one that says… haha, what if we dated again and fell in love one more time, except that i’m still in love with you… just kidding… unless?” 

“... you’re lucky i know the language of flowers, princey.” with that, taeil gets to work, picking up whatever flowers he knows will fit and make taeyong understand the message jaehyun has for him

“wait! can you make it mostly pink?”

he lets the yellow carnation fall back in its vase, taking the pink amaranth instead. “it’s cute, you know… that you’re still in love with him, that you’re still willing to fight back.” he adds one more rose, because really, people are suckers for roses.

“well, he’s my first love and as cliche as it sounds, he’ll always be in my heart, you know? i’ll always love him.”

taeil wraps it up prettily and holds it out for jaehyun to give the final verdict. jaehyun reaches a hand up, but he’s almost scared to touch it, arm hovering in the air. “it’s… perfect. you think he’ll like it?”

“it depends on your plan of action. a bouquet is just there, you know? it’s the words and emotions you give through it that matter.”

“you’re right. thank you, moon taeil,” he says, eyes sincere, as he takes the flowers and hands taeil the money. just like how doyoung paid, he gave him more, slipping the change in taeil’s tip jar.

“you know, doyoung is lucky to have you in his life. i can see why he likes you so much.” 

he leaves the shop, flowers held near his heart, before taeil can ask what he means by it.

_ doie / (⁎˃ᆺ˂)＼ _

**join me to dinner?**

sure. where? when? oh, you want to come over??

_ doie / (⁎˃ᆺ˂)＼ _

**well… there’s this restaurant near my apartment. **

**it’s called ** ** _purity_****. **

okay! when?

_ doie / (⁎˃ᆺ˂)＼ _

**tomorrow? eight? are you working?**

i’m not!

i’ll see you there?

_ doie / (⁎˃ᆺ˂)＼ _

**i’m gonna send a car, don’t worry about it, hyung.**

well, i guess that works too…

i’ll see you tomorrow, doie

_ doie / (⁎˃ᆺ˂)＼ _

**<3**

<33  
<strike></strike>

* * *

taeil is fucked. he forgot that doyoung probably lives in the most expensive area of seoul and he surely forgot that restaurants there charge a fortune just for a glass of water.

it’s ok. he’ll survive only with water that night. not like it hasn’t happened before.

* * *

the whole date, if he can even call it that, is a disaster. he should’ve known it will all go downhill when ten obviously took it upon himself to dress taeil for the occasion. however, just like everything else, ten and taeil’s ideas of a sexy outfit are complete opposites. which is why he walked out of his apartment wearing an almost _ see-through _ shirt, and the tightest pair of pants he’s ever worn. the make up around his eyes was making him want to scratch them even more, and the hair-bed like hairstyle looked _ stupid _on him.

it didn’t help that next to doyoung he looks like the cheapest wannabe stripper ever. not only does he not have the mental strength, nor body strength to be one, but his dancing is shit too, so really, he can’t even say that he looks like one. he looks like one of jisung’s friends that sneaked out to the club.

to add to this traumatizing night, just as he had expected, the prices are over the moon. just seeing what someone would have to take out from their wallets for a simple salad makes taeil’s stomach turn.

doyoung notices it, and shortly after they’re leaving _ purity _and walking in the warm spring evening. it’s a lot better, surely, but taeil still feels like shit for not being able to even act like a normal person in a fancy restaurant.

“you want ice cream?” doyoung asks, pointing to the store they’re approaching. ice cream does sound nice right now, and if they have some mint and chocolate one taeil could even pretend that this night has never happened.

he slips his hand into doyoung’s and says, “lead the way.”

and just like that, the night is saved. they eat ice cream in the park, just like many years ago, and laugh at the kids they see, dragging their parents around with too much energy.

he doesn’t notice the mess he’s made around his mouth until it’s too late, until doyoung’s hands are already in his face, cleaning the chocolate with his thumb. taeil looks at the hand, then at its owner. they’re staring at each other and doyoung looks so… happy, so relieved it makes taeil wonder _ why? _ why is he looking at him like that, why does he look smitten, why does he look--

“i’m in love with you.”

so in love.

taeil wants to run, to scream and get away from everything, to jump from the nearest cliff and maybe scream some more. this can’t be happening. doyoung can’t be in love with him. surely, he’s gone mad. the ice cream froze his brain and now he’s sputtering nonsense. that must be it!

“hyung, don’t leave me hanging now,” he sounds _ desperate _, and taeil can’t do this, he can’t be the reason why he sounds so sad, broken already. he’s already hurt him once, he can’t leave again.

“three days. give me three days, doie.” 

“i’ll give you all the time you need, hyung. i’ve waited forever, three more days mean nothing to me.”

and taeil wishes he can believe him.

* * *

ten years ago, doyoung confessed to him, a sweet, naive confession of how he looked up to taeil and how he wished to spend the rest of his life with the elder. taeil rejected him, thinking it is merely the idea of being with someone that cares for you and loves you that intrigued doyoung. 

a decade later, doyoung confessed again, this time, the confession was sadder, almost as if taeil were to reject him again, doyoung could still have some closure. taeil didn’t reject him, but as he asked for those three painful days, he wished he did.

at least doyoung could move on and find someone better, someone that isn’t broken, a person that can spend time with him and show him how much they love him. doyoung deserves someone who wouldn’t leave him.

* * *

_ “you’re a literal clown,” _ johnny deadpans when taeil voices his worries to him over the phone, on the second day of thinking.

_ “baby, no! he’s the whole circus!” _ he hears ten snicker somewhere in the background, and had he not been overthinking this situation so much, he would’ve threatened them both.

“i’m not kidding. i think i’ll let him go.” taeil lets out a shaky breath, pulling the blanket closer to his chest and burying his face in it. it brings him a small amount of comfort he needs, but it’s not enough.

_ “are you insane? you _ ** _love_ ** _ him. you’re in love with him!” _

_ “didn’t you say you had your oh in italics moment like… eleven years ago or whatever?” _

he mumbles, “fourteen. it was fourteen years ago. and stop calling it that, tennie.”

_ “point still stands. you can’t let him slip through your fingers again.” _

_ “tennie is right, hyung.” _ johnny uses his serious-dad voice, and taeil knows this isn’t a good thing. _ “you have one more day, right? think this through. how much do you love him?” _

“a lot…”

_ “but?”_

“he deserves so, so much better. what am i? a twenty-eight years old man who couldn’t even finish his high school studies and--”

johnny sighs, _ “and what? you work thrice as hard, you’re motivated, you’re loyal and so smart, hyung!” _

_ “and you’re hot too! your thighs are great, hyung!” _ten says, screaming in pain when johnny most likely poked his side.

_ “what i’m trying to say, taeillie, is that you can say no, ok? but… do you really want to do that?” _

taeil stays silent, not wanting to accept the truth. 

_ “it’s ok, you don’t have to answer. as long as you know it, then it’s good. just make sure to tell doyoung exactly what the answer is.” _

“thanks, johnny. it means a lot, this whole… conversation did.”

_ “we’ll always be here.” _ there’s a quiet muttering, and then he adds, _ “ten said he’ll bring you coffee at work.” _

“thanks, tennie. i love you.” 

_ “you only say that cause i’m gonna bring you dejun’s delicious latte!” _

“i love you,” he says again, making sure that he doesn’t sound as if he’s saying it just because ten will bring him dejun’s _ delicious latte _.

there’s a moment of silence, in which johnny is the only one laughing, probably teasing ten as well. then, defeated, ten says, _ “i love you too.” _

_ “and i love both of you!” _ johnny exclaims. there is the disgusting sound of a kiss that follows, and taeil simply hangs up, not wanting to hear them have sex again. one time was all he needed for the trauma to set it.

* * *

he makes up his mind just as the clock strikes midnight on the third day, just like a fucked up cinderella metaphor. he holds his tears in as the number dials, but the moment doyoung answers, they start falling. he has no idea why he’s crying, really.

he hears doyoung say something about coming in fifteen, and then the line is dead. ten was right after all, he is a circus, but a circus full of sad mimes.

* * *

doyoung finds him just as his sobs die down. thankfully, jisung is spending the night with his friends, which gives taeil the perfect opportunity to cry until his eyeballs are dry and then question himself _ when _did he turn into such an emotional mess of a drunk wine aunt who’s at her fifth marriage.

doyoung kneels in front of him, taking his hand in his. they don’t speak, partially because taeil is too scared of what will follow and partially because doyoung doesn’t even why the elder called him.

he takes a deep breath and looks into doyoung’s eyes.

“i’m in love with you too, doie,” the world stops as the words fall from his mouth. taeil can feel his heart beating faster, faster so fast it’s threatening to burst out and pull doyoung in for a kiss itself.

it doesn’t do that, fortunately, for doyoung kisses him, closing the distance between their bodies until they are one. 

it took him ten years, but taeil finally accepted the love of the only person he will ever want.

* * *

the moment doyoung finds out about _ why _taeil disappeared, he’s fuming with anger. just like how taeil imagined, he starts cursing at their adoptive parents and threatening them, through the power of the universe.

taeil just laughs and pulls him in for a kiss again.


	3. Chapter 3

taeil can feel doyoung’s fingers run along the inside of his thigh, his cold touch sending shivers down his spine. if his hands weren’t tied above his head, he would’ve kicked his boyfriend (he still blushes when he thinks of it) for tickling him. 

when they first started dating, after taeil’s breakdown, of all things to be their cupid, they were still shy, almost as if making up for the lost years. their touches, though lingering, were kept away from the public eye, and their kisses were far and in between, most shared in the comfort of taeil’s apartment, while jisung was nowhere in sight. 

just like their touches, the sex was just as shy. they didn’t know where to start, how to pick at the other’s seams and pull them undone. they might not have been virgins, but the moment they slipped under the sheets, lights dimmed to a minimum to  _ set the mood _ , as doyoung would say, the two of them sure acted like ones. 

it was sweet, taeil would never deny it, especially when the younger would snort and start laughing whenever he kissed his stomach. he finally got to experience what loving doyoung without hiding it, felt like, and frankly, it felt even better than they advertised it as. 

his favorite part during those first few months wasn’t the shyness that his boyfriend expressed, and it clearly wasn’t his own nervousness whenever doyoung dropped to his knees in front of him. his favorite part was being able to see a new (and naked) part of doyoung, one he had only ever dreamed of meeting. 

now, almost a year into their relationship, the dynamic between them has changed. they fell into a perfect agreement without even wanting too. they switched it up when the other needed it the most, but today, it seemed like taeil was going to be the one at doyoung’s mercy. 

said man kisses his knee, bringing taeil back to the present. “where did you just go, baby?” he asks, looking over taeil’s face for any sign of discomfort. 

“i was thinking.” doyoung hums, urging him to elaborate. “about how cute and nervous you were in the beginning,” he says, his words cut off by the moan that escapes him. doyoung  _ knows  _ his thighs are sensitive and he abuses this by always biting on them when he finds himself near his crotch area. 

doyoung pushes the vibrator deeper, enjoying the muffled whimper his boyfriend makes. “you were the same, baby. did you forget that time when i told you to fuck my mouth and it took you five minutes to decide if you really want to do it, since you were scared you’ll choke me?”

“that’s a very valid fear, youngie!”

“well i want to choke on your dick, hyung!” 

they stare at each other, doyoung even frowning at the elder, before bursting into laughter. it’s not the first time they’ve had this argument, and it will probably not be the last either, but they still laugh as if it’s the first time. 

“can i go back to kissing you?”

taeil rolls his eyes, but nods. “you mean teasing me.” at that, doyoung bites down again, this time harder than before. it sends a jolt straight to taeil’s leaking cock, the moan he lets out ending up just as pathetic as he feels from getting turned on by such a small action.

“you always say you hate my teasing, but tell me then, why do you end up moaning everytime i do,” his hand palms taeil for just a second, before resting on his hip again, “this?”

he doesn’t get the chance to pout, answer or curse at the younger, because his mouth is back on his, kissing him softly and oh so lovingly. doyoung’s hands wander around, squeezing his thighs, waist, hips, anything they can touch. his boyfriend’s hands are everything he wants right now, but he knows that doyoung doesn’t plan to give it to him so easily. 

after all, he loves seeing taeil squirm around, loves hearing the small noises he makes whenever he’s touching the elder. he loves knowing that he can make taeil fall apart with just one heavier press in the right spot. and taeil? taeil adores this even more, giving control over to doyoung, having no idea of what is to happen next. 

when doyoung pulls away, forehead resting on taeil’s, the elder can’t help it, he finds himself smiling widely. he’s so in love, so happy to have accepted it. but then, he remembers  _ why  _ exactly doyoung just kissed him.

“you know what, bunny? fuck you.”

doyoung’s eyes darken, his smile turning into a deep frown. “you better keep that pretty mouth of yours shut, or else i might just have to put it to work, doll,” he says, his threatening voice making taeil’s dick twitch in excitement of what could come if he plays his cards right. 

“and if i don’t want to? you’re gonna punish me?” he tries to laugh, but once again, doyoung is faster than him. his right hand wraps around his cock, tugging on it roughly, until taeil is thrashing around, trying to push doyoung away. he knows he can safe word out, but this, right now, is nowhere near his limit. 

“i told you, i’ll make sure you use your mouth for something better.”

taeil tries to match his gaze, but the younger’s hand is so  _ hot,  _ so  _ electrifying _ that he can’t even think straight. he is only able to wail, leaning into doyoung’s touch for more, more, until his whole body and mind is on fire, until he can’t function without it. 

still, he tries, and with a weak, almost broken voice, he challenges, “break me,  _ sir _ .”

“as you wish my prince.” 

with that, doyoung climbs on top of his chest, knees on either side of his head, never letting his weight on the elder. they both may be into erotic asphyxiation, but they are not into breaking each other’s ribs by sitting on them. 

his hard cock is so close to taeil’s face that if he leans in, he can probably lap at the head, tongue already feeling heavy. he wants to feel it, but he hasn’t been given permission yet. he has to wait before doyoung says he can do  _ anything  _ when they are in a scene like this. 

he pushes just the head past taeil’s lips, letting the elder adjust. it makes taeil’s chest tighten. he’s so lucky to have doyoung in his life again, to be loved by him. it’s moments like this that make taeil realize just how shitty he was to his lover. he’ll never forgive himself for abandoning doyoung.

the pulsating length sliding in and out of his mouth makes him forget for a moment about his worries, but he knows they will come back the moment they’re done. at least doyoung will be there to catch him from his fall once more. 

he lets his eyes fall shut, and offers himself to doyoung, letting the younger take whatever he wants from him. 

“does that feel good, baby? being stuffed on both ends? is that enough for my needy little whore?” he asks, fucking into taeil’s mouth slowly. taeil can only moan, any cohesive thoughts leaving his head, until it’s full of only doyoung. 

the pace gets faster, with each thrust doyoung makes sure to either praise or humiliate taeil in any way he can think of. he slaps him lightly, be it with his cock or his hand, wipes the saliva and precum that drools down his chin and pushes it back in, calls him a slut, worthy of only being his human fleshlight, and all of these, every single gesture or word that doyoung makes only take him more near the edge, ready to combust the moment doyoung gives him permission. 

he will cum without even touching his own neglected dick, and the thought alone makes taeil sob, his hole clenching around the dildo, still vibrating against his prostate. 

“are you going to cum, baby boy? you want to?” when taeil shows him two fingers, doyoung laughs, all dark and cruel. “then go ahead, prince, cum for me. but just know that sir isn’t done with you for the night.”

simply the promise of being used and most likely filled with cum to the brim is enough to make him cum, mouth going slack and eyes rolling back into his head. he knows that doyoung likes this face a bit too much. 

he feels the salty taste of cum on his tongue, and it takes him only a second to realize that doyoung is cumming as well. the ecstasy is still running through his veins, and in this moment, he only wants more, more, he wants doyoung to give him his worst and best, both at the same time. 

doyoung, chooses only the latter for now. he pulls out, his weight lifting from taeil’s chest, and lays down next to him, untying the elder’s hands. he kisses his wrists, not saying anything, and turns the vibrator off. doyoung pulls him in his arms, hands resting on taeil’s hips, and lips kissing his forehead. he loves how soft his boyfriend gets, how the moment he leaves his headspace he turns back to his needy self. 

“i love you,” taeil mumbles, snuggling closer into doyoung’s chest.

“i love you too, prince, but don’t think i’m anywhere near being done with you,” he says, just as his hand reaches between taeil’s legs. it wraps around the elder’s spent dick, stroking it back to its previous hardness. 

“don’t, i’m tired,” taeil whines, but makes no effort to push him away. 

doyoung stops, taking his hand away and giving taeil space. “color?”

taeil thinks for a moment, but then, he says, “green.”

“tell me what you want, baby.” his hand fits its place again, almost as if it was made only to tease taeil’s poor cock until the man is crying. it might as well be, with just how often they find in this exact position. 

he hides his face into doyoung’s naked chest, busying his mouth with pressing small kisses on the toned pecs, occasionally biting down on the skin, never harsh enough to leave a deep bruise. he likes to mark doyoung’s tummy more. 

“if you tell me what you want, i will reward you, sweetheart.” taeil looks up, pouting at the younger. doyoung lets his lips barely touch his, whispering above them, “don’t be shy, baby. don’t you want me to kiss you?”

“i want you to edge me more… and…”

“yes?”

“i want you to call me yours…” it’s nowhere near the worst thing any of them has asked to other to do, but when in subspace, taeil’s only worry is bothering doyoung. he doesn’t want to come across as too needy, or too clingy, especially when he knows that the previous lovers doyoung has had were better than him, trained for longer. 

“you’re mine, hyung,” doyoung murmurs in the crook of taeil’s neck, biting down as he repeats himself. “mine, mine, mine. no one else can have you like this, baby. say it, love.”

“i-i’m yours, doie. i’m your--  _ ah _ , i’m your slut,” he pants.

the younger’s hand moves again, his tight fist making taeil see stars already, as he curls further into doyoung. the overstimulation is so much, that taeil’s body can’t take it. he’s so near his orgasm, but the moment the words spill from his mouth, doyoung’s hand pulls away. 

crying, he bucks his hips up, in a sad attempt of chasing his orgasm. it doesn’t work, not when doyoung holds his hips in place, his grip so tight it’s ought to bruise. “didn’t you say you want me to edge you, baby?” taeil whines, but the younger just shushes him with a kiss. “what kind of edging would that be if i let you cum now?”

and so, he starts again, ignoring the way taeil wails and moans, focusing purely on bringing the elder to his breaking point, but not giving him the final push that he needs. it’s agonizing, how doyoung’s sadistic desire to ruin taeil doesn’t falter even after what feels like hours. to taeil at least, it sure feels as if years have passed since doyoung started his little game. 

doyoung kisses his temple. “should you cum, love?” taeil whines in response, too far away to be able to think of a proper answer. “i guess that’s a no, how sad,” he laughs, hand going just as fast, before stopping and only playing with the tip. 

the elder sobs, tears falling down his cheeks, as he begs, “please, please, please,  _ please _ , let me cum-- i’ll be good just, fuck-- please, sir.” his cheeks burn with humiliation, this is the moment he enjoys the most. 

“well, when you’re begging like this, how can i say no? go ahead, baby. cum.” 

the delirium that fills taeil’s head is unlike anything he’s ever experienced. he cums, ropes of white shooting onto the already dried cum on his belly. he’s floating, his whole body is light, and he doesn’t even register the way doyoung stands up and leaves him alone on the bed. 

when he comes back to his senses, the cum has already been cleaned, and his head is resting on doyoung’s chest. taeil is wearing one of the younger’s shirts, but really, he would rather cuddle him naked and promptly show off the new marks on his skin. 

doyoung kisses his head. “i love you.”

“i love you more, doie,” taeil replies sleepily, eyes struggling to stay open and spend more time with him, like this, in total bliss and comfort. 

he doesn’t last for long, however, doyoung’s worn out voice and the fingers playing with his hair being enough to put him in a dreamless sleep. 


	4. Chapter 4

taeyong fixes his tie and says, “you can always run away, you know?” 

“yeah, you have like… a  _ lot  _ of money now. you can just run and marry someone younger,” ten provides, swinging his legs back and forth on the bar stool next to taeil. 

“i’m  _ not _ going to run away from my own wedding, idiots.” taeil looks at himself in the mirror, admiring the way ten and taeyong’s skill make him seem like he’s not pushing forty anymore. it’s partially his fault for waiting so long to get married to the love of his life. 

“you’re no fun. you could run away with us and be our sugar daddy, you know?”

he snorts, and ruffles their hair, eliciting whines and gasps of protest from the two younger men. “as if you’d ever leave your boyfriends.” 

the door opens slightly, putting a stop on the beginning of the fight that taeyong and ten were about to pull on taeil. jisung comes in, followed closely by donghyuck and yangyang. donghyuck wastes no time, rushing straight to taeil’s side and inspecting his make-up. 

“you know, he’s my brother first, hyuck,” jisung mumbles.

said man simply blows him a kiss, ignoring the youngers protest. “hm… they did ok, though i can still see some of your wrinkles, hyung.”

“they’re laugh lines and they merely prove how happy doie has made me for the last ten years, kid.” the five men in the room gag, yangyang going as far as pretending to faint at the unimaginable amounts of greasiness taeil is producing. “fuck you guys, you act as if you’re single and not in love and gross.”

“well, i  _ am _ single,” jisung says, as a matter of fact, but once again he is only met with no response a simple snort from his brother. 

his midnight blue suit catches his eye in the mirror once again. he insisted on the color, even though doyoung did tell him that the white one suited him better. he told him, when they were trying their suits on, that it reminded him of the moon. to which, while fighting down his blush, taeil replied that he was simply the sky where doyoung, his sun, his moon and stars, shined on. 

jisung walks towards him, pulling out a small box from his pocket. “one last thing, hyung,” he says as he opens it. 

“i can’t accept this, sungie.”

“nonsense! it’s a gift from me and lele. he’s giving doie-hyung his own now!” donghyuck snorts in the background and mumbles something about jisung  _ clearly  _ being single. 

hesitantly, taeil reaches for the gold cufflinks resting on the velvet pillow. they are beautiful, with detailed work on the metal surrounding the white diamonds in the middle. taeil can only imagine how expensive they must’ve been. 

“c’mon, hyung. you bought me a lot of stuff when i was young… and nothing will ever be enough for the things you did for me, but i can try… and since i know you’re against me getting you a tesla--”

“they cost a shitfuck of money!”

“it’s your wedding! why can’t i buy you a tesla?” taeil fixes his brother with a glare. he sighs and takes the cufflinks from the elder. “let me at least get you this, ok?”

jisung knows he’s won when taeil holds his hands out, letting him replace the simple cufflinks on his suit with the new ones. 

“you’re lucky i love you, brat.”

smoothing out taeil’s suit, jisung smiles at him one more time. “i love you too. but now, if you’ll excuse me, i have to go threaten doie-hyung again,” he says, turning around to leave the room.

“don’t scare him too much, sungie!” taeil yells after his brother. 

“i’ll tell him i’ll cut his balls off!” 

he sighs one more time. he knows jisung loves doyoung more than he probably loves his own brother, but he also knows that the moment taeil would get hurt, be it emotionally or physically, jisung will throw away any feelings he has for the man. 

“come on, hyung,” donghyuck pulls on his hand, “you have a daddy to marry.”

“and a bag to secure once more!” 

“and don’t forget the dick, my god!”

“or the ass!” 

taeil makes sure to throw a little white chocolate ball at each of the brats who can’t seem to know how to keep their mouth shut. 

he leaves the room just as they begin to whine about ruining their wedding get up. 

* * *

he’s the one waiting for doyoung to walk down the aisle. this time, doyoung doesn’t have to wait anymore, he knows that taeil is there, at the end of the line, to greet him with open arms and a love that is unmatched. 

when he steps out, his father right by his side, taeil loses it. he starts crying, small sobs at first, that turn uglier the closer his soon-to-be husband gets to him. 

he’s not sure what happens next, if he manages to say his vows perfectly or if he even says _ i do  _ when the priest asks him to. all he knows that when doyoung kisses him softly and holds him close, it is a promise of a future together, of a new beginning, of falling in love over and over with each other. 

the i love you’s remain unspoken, but they both feel it, they both know it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this, my dudes, i hope you enjoyed it! tell me what you thought of it, i'd love to hear your opinions but pls dont make me cry, its late at night and im sensitive bc of my boys

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/cryystal_moon)   
[curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/cryystal_moon)


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